For our last class we will be in room EDB 8620F (opposite the CET), meeting from 1:00 - 4:30 p.m. Please bring two or three of your best ideas for teaching reading to share with the class for our Literacy Fair. Christine F. also had the great suggestion of everyone bringing a snack.
After all your hard work this semester, I think you need a few laughs. Teaching rule #1 : Always keep your sense of humour handy! (Feel free to post your own jokes!)
1 comment:
Education jokes
Final Exam
It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like
most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students,
having over 700 students in the class.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that
was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and
the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student
came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their
exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk
and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.
"No you don't, I am not going to accept that, It's late!" The
student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor
sarcastically.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
room.
* * * *
A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
* * * *
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.
* * * *
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
* * * *
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
* * * *
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office'."
* * * *
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home!
* * * *
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"You're the Principal!"
* * * *
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."
* * * *
Four Sophomores
At university, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, and labs, etc., that each had an "A" for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to Charlottesville and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Charlottesville for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire was flat?
* * * *
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
* * * *
"Three Little Pigs"
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, '...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?' Then the teacher asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?'
My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said, 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
* * * *
The final exam in electrical engineering worried my son, Don. On the last day of class, the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard. "If any of you have difficulty understanding the review material, call this number," he said as he dismissed the class.
On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems, Don reached for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A-Prayer.
* * * *
In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
* * * *
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
* * * *
As a professor at a university, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team. One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight." --R.D.
* * * *
Answering Machine At School
This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the answering machine message for a school: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
· To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 · To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 · To complain about what we do - Press 3 · To cuss out staff members - Press 4 · To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 · If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 · If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 · To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 · To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 · To complain about school lunches - Press 0 · If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
* * * *
The Power of Persuasion
Teacher to father at conference: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
* * * *
RoboTeacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found
himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
* * * *
And last but not least:
Fun Things For A Professor To Do
This is a list of fun things professors can do to for fun on the first day of class.
· Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
· After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
· After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
· Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
· Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
· Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."
· If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
· Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
· Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
· Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
· Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
· Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
· Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
· Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
· Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
· Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin meditating.
· Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blow torch.
· Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
· Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
· Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
· Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
· Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
· Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
· Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
· Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
· Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
· Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
From:
http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/teachers.htm
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
http://www.joblatino.com/jokes/teacher.html
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Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!
http://www.jokes.net/shortteacherjokes4.htm
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A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke80.htm
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Questions you Hope your Pupils won't Ask you
1.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?
2.Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
3.Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
4.Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
5.Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
6.If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
7.If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
8.If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
9.If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
10.If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
11.If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
12.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
13.How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
14.You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
15.You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16. What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
17. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke80.htm
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You Might Be a Schoolteacher if...
you have no time for a life from August to June.
you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
you refer to adults as "boys and girls."
you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."
you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
you know hundred good reasons for being late.
you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke80.htm
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